Monday, December 5, 2011 9:30 AM
I don't get it.
I really don't.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a mistake to you.
Everyday, you never cease to point your fingers at me and blame me for something. You'll never, ever acknowledge me for something I did well. You'll never ever look at me genuinely and praise me.
You'll always scold me for something, you'll always shout at me, for the littlest of things.
Oh I wouldn't mind it at all if you treat everyone the same way. But what? The worst things that Narisa does, you never ever punish her. Even when I bring it up, you'll ignore me.
You like to talk about fairness, and fairness it shall be. You never bother to ask about my day, you never bother to ever ask what's wrong when I'm unhappy. All you ever do is scold me for being emotional and immatured.
Is it wrong to feel sad? Is it wrong to cry? Or am I supposed to hide it all in and laugh it away?
But then again, if I do that, you'll say that I'm too carefree to even bother about anything else.
I want to go to a polytechnic, but you never supported me. Deep inside I'll be the only person that went to a polytechnic, instead of a junior college, just like all of my successful relatives.
I just want to do something I love, is that wrong?
I just want to have something to wake up to, something to look forward to, something I feel passionate about.
Every time we meet your relatives, I'll always feel so incompetent. Like I'll never be good enough. And you'll join them in, telling me that the course that I wanna go is lousy.
Early childhood education.
Humpt.
Mindchamps is my turning point in life, where I learnt to break through everything I've went through. They taught me to be more positive.
I've seriously tried so hard to keep quiet for every time you shout or scold me for no reason. I nod my head at everything you said, I swallow my pride and I'll let you point out whatever you're unhappy with me. I try to change, I try to stop making mistakes, I try to be the perfect daughter you want.
But no matter how I try, everyday, you'll find something to shout at me for.
Even Mindchamps, I don't understand how you can even say they're making me do free labour and all that shit when all they ever do is support and comfort me. At there, I can be myself, I can do things to my fullest potential, and for mistakes that I make, I am corrected in the appropriate ways.
Not shouting and scolding all the time.
Even if it's so called 'free labour' ; it's the kind of labour I wanna do, it's where I wanna carve my future from. It's a starting point.
I miss the times you took the time to go out with me. I miss the times you were never so judgmental. I feel so pressured whenever you're around, I just wanna hide. I just wanna be alone.
Then I would be flawless.
To be honest, for the time you had to go to Japan for work, I never missed you at all. I felt so happy because no one was there to scold me, and that I didn't need to be so cautious about everything I do. Mummy was always there for me, as always, whether you scold me or not.
I felt like, with her, everything was enough. I felt good about myself, I felt so damn happy.
It scares me. To realize that I'm happy without you, you know? When before that, we used to have such a close relationship, where I could easily ask you for advice.
There's a limit to everything, and I'm afraid, I'm so afraid that one day, I'll just lose control of my suppressed emotions and scream at you.
I'm so sorry that I'm not perfect.
I'm so sorry.
