Wednesday, February 1, 2012 11:02 PM
Nothing Ever Goes Right.I'm currently back from work, home, with hot, angry tears streaming down my face.
I don't understand.
Why do you always have to judge what I'm doing, question what I'm doing, and then disapprove of it? Why are you always making decisions for me, when I clearly know what I'm doing? Why must everything I do be bad?
Firstly, it was the choosing of poly or JC. I knew what course I wanted to go to, I knew what I wanted, and poly was the way for me. When I told you about it, then what did you say?
"Why poly? Why not JC? All your cousins are in JC. Why must you go for Poly instead?"
And you nag, and nag, and nag about it through the whole year, through O levels. Fine, I grin and bear it.
Next, comes the choice of courses. I wanted to do Early Childhood Education so much, and when you came to know about it, you discouraged me, saying that the pay for future jobs are low, and that the field to play with is very small. Teachers earn very little. The environment is bad. Your relatives are all bankers, they work with money. Why don't you choose something else instead? Why Early Childhood?
Yea yea yea, I get it, dad. Early Childhood sucks. It sucks soooo much, that when relatives ask me what course I wanna take, you wouldn't even answer them, you'd just shake your head and tell them to ask me instead.
Thanks. For the support.
And now? Now what? I can't get into early childhood. My application failed. I got posted into something that I had interest in, but not wanna do for the rest of my life. So I apppealed out for New Media, with RP with my first choice.
With New Media, I'd be able to shift my projects into things like community awareness, social services, children, everything and anything to add into my portfolio. It's also something that I'm interested in. It's just a longer route to getting what I want.
And again, the story just doesn't end here. Say what? New Media is an empty course that teaches rubbish. RP is a lousy polytechnic. Relatives say RP is not good. New Media is not gonna get you anywhere in life. RP got a lot of malays.
WHAT, the actual fuck.
No wait, let me repeat again.
WHAT, the actual, actual fuck?
I don't understand of why you're never supportive of whatever I do. And everything I do has to be related to my relatives. Everything I do, you must have a say in it. Sure, you're my father. I respect that. But this is my ife. I don't wanna be a robot, and earn lots of money, but hate what I'm doing.
Okay, I admit, I don't like to study, I was never the studying type, I did not get good grades, I got a freakin 17 for L1B4, 22 for L1R5. I didn't do as well as my cousins, It's not something to be proud of.
But I can say, that I've tried my best. Staying back in school for hours, just to get a few questions right. Doing milions of exam papers. Going to the library during the weekends just to revise. Finding different people to teach me on subjects and topics that I'm unclear on. For months.
I hate revisng. I hate studying. But, just, just to make you proud. I did all these. I didn't want to let you down.
But what?
Yea, I never try my best, I'm damn lazy, I'm not even trying.
Sometimes, I wonder on why do I even bother to try.
I'm so sorry that I'm not smart like your relative's children. I'm so sorry for not showing interest in whatever that you'd like me to do. I'm so sorry for ust trying to do what I show passion in. I'm so sorry, that I'll never be what you want me to be.
I'm already disappointed enough, for the fact I didn't make it into Early Childhood Education. Why can't you just respect the decisions that i've made? I know what I'm doing. I honestly do.
It's currently 11:58PM.
I'm terribly heartbroken.
Doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight.
Goodnight world.
Love,
Natalie Ishot
