Monday, June 11, 2012 1:30 AM
Tonight, I cry alone.
I feel terrible. Really.
So here I am, all 17 years old, and still whining and ranting like a problematic kid.
You know, I'm always talking about how it hurts when you lose a friend or a BGR relationship. But there's just one more thing that hurts more than anything else. And that's when you know that your relationship with your family is more superficial than anything else.
So just today, I'm down with a really bad flu, and my dad wanted to catch a movie. Since it was a Sunday, I decided to go along with it as Sunday's a family day. Something cropped up and bam, we could only go home at 11PM. As I was feeling really tired, and there's programmes for the next few days, I asked if I could get a home a little earlier to catch some sleep. I was ignored. And the most hurtful shit ever came from my sister, and she went,
"It doesn't matter anyway, since you always sleep late."
Hello? That's not even the point. I'm not trying to wallow myself into self-pity or anything, but I'm sick. And through these months, I've been trying to turn in early and all, because I'm dead tired. I'd love to have more sleep if I could ever get to do so. In addition, I've been having programmes, I've been coming home late. It hurts to think of how selfish that sentence sounded, as though I'm that self-centered. If I could, I would love to spend time outside with you guys. But my UTs are just right on Tuesday, I can't afford to fall sick. It seriously disgusts me on how selfish you can be, when all I've ever done was to jump right up to your defence whenever you get yourself into trouble, and help you clear up all the misunderstandings if you ever land yourself into one.
Do you remember of how you were being cybered bullied? Your friends called you a fucking flirt and they said that you suck dicks. What did I do? I landed myself into a whole lot of shit, got mocked by your bloody school friends whom I don't even know, just to defend you from those idiots whom I'd scold the shit out of if they ever, ever, spoke ill of you again. Do you remember of how you copied another blogshop's idea by selling their items at a lower price, and you got flamed for doing so? What did I do? I went against my own principles, helped you out, and yea. There's just so many instances where I had to always cover up for you, clean up your mess, and this is what I get. Mmhmm. It doesn't matter of whether I'm sick or not, I'm just a selfish bitch that wants to go home for nothing and sleep late anyway.
Fine.
Then there came the most ridiculous arguement of all, one that starts with a delayed registered postage. On the day that the postage was supposed to come, you guys went out and missed it. Nevermind, it's okay. All I have to do is make arrangements for it to be delivered. So I check. Is anything on for Monday? Is everyone free? is someone gonna be home?
Okay, clear. All set on Monday then.
Then what?
Suddenly I hear of last minute plans that I've never heard of, and there's no one home to collect the mail. All I requested for was for my mum to help me collect it, since she was having an off day, or the mail would be sent back to the post office, and we'd have to collect it by ourselves. Then what's the purpose of paying extra for the registered mail anyway?
Guess what?
My mum proceeds to accuse me of not checking things carefully before making arrangements, when I sure as hell did. And then she continues to tell me that I'm being selfish and all, when all I ever did was to plan my stuff carefully, and make sure that everthing goes well.
Yeah, you can bet that my mum was real mad.
For what?
Oh for me being a selfish bitch. Again.
And yes, you can bet that I'm really upset now because she could barely give a damn about my things and she rejected to help me.
Reason being, she wanted to wait for my sister to finish her tuition?
Really, just great.
Narisa has went to tuition like a thousand times without you before, and you wait for her tuition to finish almost every week. All you do is sit there, read some magazines, and pass time. All I'm asking of you, is to stay home just for that litle while, and you ignore my pleas and say that I do not know how to think.
I think really clearly, mum. And if you could just remember, of how I do sacrifice my outings with friends, just to stay home and collect weird hampers for you guys, or wait for the technician to come, or whatever stuff that needs to be done, I gladly sacriice my personal time for you guys. I don't even complain.
And when I turn to my dad for help he gives me the cold shoulder.
Oh, why am I surprised again?
There's so many times when we have small quarrels, and I know that you guys are simply being unreasonable and all, but I choose to swallow my pride and keep quiet, just cause I know you guys are tired from work, but how long do I need to keep choking on my problems, and acting like I just don't care? They're just gonna build up and boom, I'll explode, and like tonight, I'll end up getting into my room, shutting the goddamn door, and screaming my lungs out into the pillow, and blogging so furiously that my laptop may die.
Stop acting like there's nothing wrong when something clearly isn't right. These small little things that we cover up, will very much be uncovered.
I hate it.
I hate how I'm always trying so hard for nothing.
And you guys don't see what I do, all you guys ever see if the tiny little screw ups I do, and you guys pratically kill me with super sonic scoldings for them. I'm tired, I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again, I'm tired.
And just to let you guys know, I doubt staying at home and doing your own things is counted as family day. Hopes for something to happen on Sundays are long gone, and if you really love to compare me with other teenagers, go ahead. Please go and do a survey on how many teenagers really stay home to keep their families company these days. Go on.
Since they're so damn damn perfect.
I'm not a barbie, and I never will be one.
Lots and lots and lots of love,
Natalie Lim
